I know, I've not been around much recently, but as usual I have a plethora of excuses waiting in the wings. Sometimes you have nothing to say, and that's part of it, but I mostly have nothing to say because I am saying ouch with every other word.
Do you remember last year when I was tearing my hair out because my old car was driving me nuts? It got to a stage where everything that could go wrong had gone wrong and I was ready to take a stick to it, John Cleese style. Well I sort of feel like that about my insides right now.
Years ago, before I had Rheumatoid Arthritis I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis which is about as it gets for that condition, so much so that every time I went into hospital for a service and oil change I had spotty medical students hanging around begging me to allow them to look at my insides whilst I was out for the count. Mostly I got very good at chucking stuff off them and teaching them some new medical language.
At the time I was told I'd need a hysterectomy when I was 40 and of course when you're 32 you can't imagine being as old as that, well, I am as old as that and a bit more and its time I got it sorted. To be honest I've been just pretending it isn't happening for some time because there is so much else going on - added to which because I know its going to be a cut right across my tummy and that is going to be a bugger to recover form and because - well, because no-one wants anyone doing stuff to them that involves surgery, well, you just put up with it and grit your teeth and grit them some more. Well, I've gritted as much as I possibly can and its now officially ouchy. I am cool with it, its got to the stage where it needs dealing with but I do so wish I didn't have to go through that useless stage afterwards where I can't pick up a kettle or drive my car or run my business or muck out my horse - all the stuff I absolutely HAVE to do. I just don't know how I am going to get through all that, and that is what is bothering me more than anything else.
Endometriosis has caused my infertility, but for years I was told by my doctor I had irritable bowel syndrome (not the same docs I have now as you might imagine), which being young and foolish I believed until I just went whack, collapsed on the floor and was rushed into hospital when all this stuff was discovered. I had just got over surgery and was going down the route of IVF when I got rheumatoid so, well, that was that. I always had a sneaky feeling I wasn't up to IVF anyway because I think it needs someone spectacularly special to go through all that and you know, I could live with not being able to have children because that was a fact of life, but to go through all that stuff and then still not come out at the other end with one, well, that was mind altering and not in a good way. Funny how things are decided for you.
So I have the cats and the horse instead, and trust me, sometimes they are all as maddening as I understand kids are, but on the other hand, they are my babies, and we each need something to love.
So I should know in the next couple of weeks what the docs are going to do about my malfunctioning insides but I jolly well hope its just whip the lot out and be done with it - and as I keep telling everyone, you have to look on the bright side because it all has to weigh something doesn't it? I mentioned this to my rheumatology nurses who were killing themselves laughing and said - er - actually - not that much. Which is a bugger because I was hoping to drop a stone or so. Sigh.
Anyway, just wanted you to know; also I am a great believer in passing on stories like this. If I had only known when I was 20 that the hideous pain I was in was definitely not normal, then it might not have turned out like this but it has and there is absolutely no point thinking about 'what if's'. If you or a daughter or a friend ever have pain like that, go to the doctors and don't take no for an answer; if I could prevent just one other woman having to go through this then it would all be worthwhile.
And I'll let you know about the weight loss post surgery....!